Ii feel hopeless today..When I look back i can see mistakes..errors that i have done looming large in front of my eyes...

People...and handlig them...I wonder if I even deserve to be social or be alloed in social groups..there have been ilogical problems with the people I stay, I sometimes lack the knack of talking to them...interacting with them,,,,All that is missing...

It feels like I am ering nall the time. All that I have done is not recognised, never appreciated,,,never acknowledged. All my mistakes are pointed, reframed and told against me all the time..I have lost all my self respect...and still ask for forgiveness at times. I wonder if I hvae any individuality stil left in me!

I need people..or rather i need to immerse myself into work..more work...24X7

Conscious decision - React less, control your tongue, let go!

"Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other.
-Thomas Fuller"

This line stuck a raw nerve today as I read it. I very well relate to one part of what Thomas Fuller has to say, but when i ponder about the second half a few thing strikes me...

We as humans change as we transcend from one environment to another. Unknowingly, subconsciously we alter ourselves with our surroundings and try grabbing every opportunity that comes our way. Yesterday was a learning lesson for me in terms of people. I always thought as I graduated various levels in my career or say social life that I had mastered people skills. I was sure that it would lead me through the next stage.

But looks like I am never going to escape the spiral mesh that it has created for me every step I take. Keeping your thoughts to yourself! Ah that is one powerful statement. I look at it in two ways.

There are a few things in life that not everyone deserves to comprehend. And yes guard them closer than your life. But what about the lesson that has been ingrained in us right from childhood to speak out the truth, speak out your thoughts? But then yesterday I learnt that there is a fine line between 'talking your thoughts and throwing your thoughts around with aggression". Sometimes not everybody remotely ever deserves good advice. It astonished me as I realized that again I was in the lowest stage and I am taking baby steps right now!

So again it proves to be a learning lesson......I have Miles to go again until I graduate this level. The black cap is going to take a lot of perseverance to don this time!

Chaahat Hai Agar Aake Mujhase Mil Jaa Tuu
Yaa Phir Aisaa Kar, Dharatii Se Milaa De Mujhako
Tu Hii Re, Tuu Hii Re Tere Binaa Mai.N Kaise Jiyuu.N
Aajaa Re, Aajaa Re, Yuu.N Hii Ta.Dapaa Naa Tuu Mujhako

unproductive day....hmm a decent night with assignment completion...And yes ..6 hrs of not being there together...! uff 'Restless'...

"The contented man can be happy with what appears to be useless"

A bee that's in search of nectar flits from one flower to another. It is desperate. It's a beautiful day, but the urge has to be satiated! And the moment it gets a flower that has honey it is satisfied. It feels gratified! And that's how I feel today…A lot of things that may seem so unimportant when you have them …At your disposal at your access…Now today , Makes me realize the worth…

Decided my future plan...

Cleaned my room…

Washed my clothes…

Arranged and organized my files

Used the study table for a change

Cooked good food

Saw a Tamil movie... Ah ha! And then a few scenes saw myself in the movie! Silly. Never ever thought I would do that!

Spoke to amma and appa! Ah ha! Spoke to my bro! Ah the love and affection effusing from the way they spoke!

Finished my assignment!

And have the love of my life with me right here...right now!

Can't believe sometimes that you can get so lucky...with things working your way!

Thank you God! Contented! Happy and excited to live life each day like this!

no trust...no appreciation...100% efforts fm my side! excrutiating !

Too much dependency..emotionally..Crazy! Thats not the way it has to go! Hold on to yourself..dont give too much away!
Dont get into a situation where you would not be able to return..come back!

Hold On!!!!

Think coolly..Fuck emotions!

"
Smile more
dress well
dont be rude
learn to communicate
dont assume
answer to the point
dont be unparlimentary
be proactive
be quick
have a firm voice with clarity

"

"When can enough be actually enough"

Its an unending insatiable journey...You work for something..reach a point and then you realsie you have not done enough...

Miles to go befoe I sleep!

It s 7 degrees outside..I am in some place 7 seas away from home...Things in a total state of disorder..Too many things and I am lost in the sea of "now what next's? "Gosh its a crazy muddle I am living in........

Can I just be transported a day out of this mess..Get my co-ordinates in place...Can i live alone one day...no body around...