Did not only worsen the situation for me...but made it a living hell for you too... I dont know how can i rollaback on the foolish, silly things that I did now...

I thought I was a diplomatic fool..But looks like I am not even that fool..I am worser than that...

I dont know how I can make the situation better for you... Is it time to get back to how it was a year back? Fate.. Damn...

Operation :

Find me
Find my USP
Find my positives
Find my confidence ( which presumably was shallow deep--- Damn)


Effects:

Feel unique
Feel capable

Time:

ASAP

Life is hard here..And I am in no way making it easy for myself. I would have to change loads of stuff about me.The attitude I wear to the way I talk and communicate. I never knew that I had miles to go in terms of people handling...

This is a new phase of life, where a lot of stuff has changed. I always prided myself on being good with people skills, but here I am messing up majorly. I am not systematic and I lose a alof of oppurtunities because of that. I am depending way too much and have created a comfort zone for myself..I have become complacent and my ywork does not reflect what I aim for.

I have lost the confidence and probably better said the feeling that "i am unique" I feel i am one amongst the many here.

Really, Miles to go before I graduate into a new , professional , smart "me"

"
P: Hey, Whats that mark?
Me: Ahem... Nothing much ..got hurt...
P: Ah ha...How?
Me:

Later on in the evening..

P: So tell me how did you get that mark?
Me: Ah..A..Hmm...Aa...I got a rash..
P: Ah .. Dont tell me..I have one too on my shoulder
Me: Lol..Okay Looks like I am lying to the wrong person
"

WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships...

A beautiful cycle ... The 'Genesis' of it with finding the right kind of person..Then the relaization of how he/she fits you so well.. Complements you or sometimes completes you.

Then the stage of where you are at the peak .. Living life almost daily with them..A life in thier life..

Then a stage where it gets tested! Probably due to time distance and space! But here is the onus on your shoulders to nurthure it ...

and then once you reach the highest stage! you got it !

And then small things matters! A small touch and go...Floating gestures on the way is the key!!!!

Vasudev Preaches today...

- Learn to control your temper when you talk... Count till 2 and see it vanish
- Don't cut others when they talk..Allow them to talk more and then you be breif and to the point
- Learn to be subtle for your comments! And mark the people you want to aim again at
- Dont lose relationships...Build them so that they remain... Have a light touch and go feeling with every person.
- The moment you ask for help it opens a window with that person and gives him/her the capability to ask for help the next time
Corrollary- It means this opens a new gateway between you'll
- Learn who can be your contendors and competitors...For the others learn to have an image
- Invest your time,money and resource only on those who would reap it for you
- Flaunt and live a flamboyant life!!!!!!!

Up Up and Away........!

Woah! What a feel! Have never felt so light than yesterday! It was a floating feeling in the air...Felt weightless..Never knew there was so much power behind it... Felt pampered and loved too... Was well looked after!

Would cherish it as one of the expereinces! Cant typecast it in a "happy" or "sad" feeling..But its one of its kind... But it is equally a powerless and a vulnerable feel..

Nevertheless... Vapour! :)

Is too much proximity not good with a person? Too much being together, in sight of each other all the time are sometimes detrimental to a relationship possibly....i wonder... where this is going to go from hereon???

i was a much more confident girl..much more in control of my life...why do i feel as if i have lost it?
why do i feel as if i have to do something because I "need" to do it...why do somethings not come straight from heart? why do i under utilize the time i have in my hand? Why am i wasting away sometimes?

i seem to have lost track of my goal! it seems to have shifted than what it was... this is not blaming anyone...i take the blame whole and sole! i have lost "me"...

What is the most satiating thing that would ease your heart? Its no doubt but your mother's love..More so ever the food she prepares..Today in my case, the love that she has in her heart for times immemorial and the food she sends me through courier!

Technology creates barriers...But at the same time proudly claims to have reduced the distance between people...

Today has been one of the most fulfilling days in 4 months now... The same taste..the same color ..the same aroma...And all my taste buds awoke! Ah Amma....Miss you so badly...Thirsting to eat what you make! Appa, waiting to get back and learn 'Economics' from you...

Today I could feel the same humming sound of the fan ( on the left side of our hall), some tamil serial running in the background, the same setting, sambhar, bhaji and the long stainless steel dabba that had 'bakshanam'..Ah ha...yenna feel!

All my meetings, appointments, assignments seem so small, artificial and insignificant! There are much more things in life...we all are here for love...for affection...

I promise Ill make you'll proud!

Love!!!!!!

Life seems disorderly..Loads of things to do..But very less time...

What do you do when your heart/ mind wanders?
What do you do when all that you want to do is lounge around?
Its a crazy life here...

Ii feel hopeless today..When I look back i can see mistakes..errors that i have done looming large in front of my eyes...

People...and handlig them...I wonder if I even deserve to be social or be alloed in social groups..there have been ilogical problems with the people I stay, I sometimes lack the knack of talking to them...interacting with them,,,,All that is missing...

It feels like I am ering nall the time. All that I have done is not recognised, never appreciated,,,never acknowledged. All my mistakes are pointed, reframed and told against me all the time..I have lost all my self respect...and still ask for forgiveness at times. I wonder if I hvae any individuality stil left in me!

I need people..or rather i need to immerse myself into work..more work...24X7

Conscious decision - React less, control your tongue, let go!

"Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other.
-Thomas Fuller"

This line stuck a raw nerve today as I read it. I very well relate to one part of what Thomas Fuller has to say, but when i ponder about the second half a few thing strikes me...

We as humans change as we transcend from one environment to another. Unknowingly, subconsciously we alter ourselves with our surroundings and try grabbing every opportunity that comes our way. Yesterday was a learning lesson for me in terms of people. I always thought as I graduated various levels in my career or say social life that I had mastered people skills. I was sure that it would lead me through the next stage.

But looks like I am never going to escape the spiral mesh that it has created for me every step I take. Keeping your thoughts to yourself! Ah that is one powerful statement. I look at it in two ways.

There are a few things in life that not everyone deserves to comprehend. And yes guard them closer than your life. But what about the lesson that has been ingrained in us right from childhood to speak out the truth, speak out your thoughts? But then yesterday I learnt that there is a fine line between 'talking your thoughts and throwing your thoughts around with aggression". Sometimes not everybody remotely ever deserves good advice. It astonished me as I realized that again I was in the lowest stage and I am taking baby steps right now!

So again it proves to be a learning lesson......I have Miles to go again until I graduate this level. The black cap is going to take a lot of perseverance to don this time!

Chaahat Hai Agar Aake Mujhase Mil Jaa Tuu
Yaa Phir Aisaa Kar, Dharatii Se Milaa De Mujhako
Tu Hii Re, Tuu Hii Re Tere Binaa Mai.N Kaise Jiyuu.N
Aajaa Re, Aajaa Re, Yuu.N Hii Ta.Dapaa Naa Tuu Mujhako

unproductive day....hmm a decent night with assignment completion...And yes ..6 hrs of not being there together...! uff 'Restless'...

"The contented man can be happy with what appears to be useless"

A bee that's in search of nectar flits from one flower to another. It is desperate. It's a beautiful day, but the urge has to be satiated! And the moment it gets a flower that has honey it is satisfied. It feels gratified! And that's how I feel today…A lot of things that may seem so unimportant when you have them …At your disposal at your access…Now today , Makes me realize the worth…

Decided my future plan...

Cleaned my room…

Washed my clothes…

Arranged and organized my files

Used the study table for a change

Cooked good food

Saw a Tamil movie... Ah ha! And then a few scenes saw myself in the movie! Silly. Never ever thought I would do that!

Spoke to amma and appa! Ah ha! Spoke to my bro! Ah the love and affection effusing from the way they spoke!

Finished my assignment!

And have the love of my life with me right here...right now!

Can't believe sometimes that you can get so lucky...with things working your way!

Thank you God! Contented! Happy and excited to live life each day like this!

no trust...no appreciation...100% efforts fm my side! excrutiating !

Too much dependency..emotionally..Crazy! Thats not the way it has to go! Hold on to yourself..dont give too much away!
Dont get into a situation where you would not be able to return..come back!

Hold On!!!!

Think coolly..Fuck emotions!

"
Smile more
dress well
dont be rude
learn to communicate
dont assume
answer to the point
dont be unparlimentary
be proactive
be quick
have a firm voice with clarity

"

"When can enough be actually enough"

Its an unending insatiable journey...You work for something..reach a point and then you realsie you have not done enough...

Miles to go befoe I sleep!

It s 7 degrees outside..I am in some place 7 seas away from home...Things in a total state of disorder..Too many things and I am lost in the sea of "now what next's? "Gosh its a crazy muddle I am living in........

Can I just be transported a day out of this mess..Get my co-ordinates in place...Can i live alone one day...no body around...